For a little while now I had been walking along, minding my own business, thinking I had it all under control and then tap tap tap the dreaded best came knocking at my door. Again. I thought we were done, I thought I had kicked her out, but there she was – anxiety. My personal self doubts. My debilitating sense that I was not doing all the things I was supposed to. She started following me around, little by little, sending my mind into overdrive, simultaneously, hardening the spaces around my heart.
A few mornings ago, unable to fall back to sleep, I got up earlier. I lit a candle. I gazed at the fresh tulips my niece brought to me from the market. And I recommitted. I recommitted to looking at Anxiety in the eye and saying NO. Not now. I won’t have you here. You do not belong to me and you are not welcome here.
Because for some of us, there is a need to be deliberate about these things. Some people have the beautiful luxury of a naturally quiet mind, while others of us have to make conscious decisions to break free from the self talk, from the madness. To declare that worries and self talk won’t hold us back. That is all it is: self – talk. None of it is real.
And so, I told anxiety, once again, to go away. But it is not quite so simple as that for me. I had to make an action plan. I revisited the action plan I created after my miscarriages, for really – it all arises from the same place. That need for connection – connection with Spirit, with Beauty, with Magic. It is time again to get out of my head and back to what a teacher of mine calls “dropping into heart space.”
Basically – what makes your heart sing? Where does your spirit soar?
I promised myself more music. More laughter. More silly. Art dates with myself – going out and finding beauty, just because. Nature walks. Yoga. And writing. More writing. I am finally realizing that in order to breathe properly, in order to feel whole, I must write. In fact, I’m signing up for a poetry class.
If you are anything like me, you might look at this list and see it as somewhat selfish – all things for me… what about the others? I have a family to take care of, I have work to do, I have places to be, when will I possibly make the time for all these ME things? Well folks, I keep learning again and again and again that I simply MUST feed myself before I can tend to anyone else. I commit to nurturing myself before others.
I recently read Momastery’s response to the recent events in Paris and Nigeria, which was actually a re-post of her response to 9/11 a couple years ago. It hit home. Profoundly. She’s exactly right. If we aren’t tending to our own hearts, we are allowing space for the hatred, the evil, the horrible things to fester that have a seed in all of us…but won’t have room to grow if we are nurturing the Love, the Beauty, the Spirit.
Letting go of my anxiety isn’t just worth it for me, for my own piece of mind. It is crucial for Love to continue to grow. When we love and nurture ourselves, we are actually saving the world.
So. Anxiety, listen up. You can stop knocking at my door, because I am telling you to leave me alone. I don’t need you here, want you here. You won’t win. Keeping the spaces around our hearts open, kind, compassionate, and loving is truly the most important work we can do.
PS. Since my re-commitment to my morning routine I must report – life is oh so much better. A morning routine really and truly is worth it. Dare I say…I promise good results??!