whew.

I have read that after a pregnancy, no matter how long (or short) the duration, the cells from that baby stay within the mom’s system.  Her cellular make up actually changes.  The nerd in me finds that to be absolutely mind boggling, fascinating science.  The sensitive soul inside of me finds that to be an indescribable experience of the heart.

I’m currently doing a dietary cleanse, something that I’ve wanted to do for a long time, but always had an excuse.  I’m trying to get pregnant.  I’m pregnant. I’m nursing. I’m too tired.  I’m going away on a trip. Whatever.  I finally decided to do it.  The first few days were filled with a foggy and painful headache.  After that passed, and I felt physically stronger, I had a day filled with an unexplained heaviness in my heart.  Granted, it has been an emotional month on its own.  There has been a lot going on, we’ve been balancing a lot, and often it has felt like we are barely holding it together.  But. When I left my son’s little gymnastics class in tears, I realized there was a little more at play.  Throughout the rest of the day I purged the rest of my emotions as much as I could, and found myself this evening so tired. Emotionally tired.  But at the same time, feeling so whole – feeling what Glennon Doyle Melton refers to as the “brutiful” in life.  (Brutal + Beautiful = Brutiful.  The things that hurt and open your heart wide to fill up with all the beauty.)

I spent part of tonight scrolling through Facebook and saw so much hubbub and excitement around Return To Zero – the movie starring Minnie Driver that aired on Lifetime last Saturday.  It has been phenomenal to witness what this movie is becoming.  There is even talk of an Emmy at this point – for a movie that so many people said was too sad.  About a topic people don’t want to discuss.  Turns out a whole lot of people do want to talk about dead babies.  A whole lot of people have said good bye to their little ones far too early.  And they don’t want to be quiet any longer.

Reading through some current posts triggered something inside of me.  My heart felt full – of both grief and pride.  That’s it. I finally feel like my babies are being given a voice.  And that hadn’t actually hit until now.Until tonight. I think it is part of timing, part of the cleanse I’m doing, part of the continuous act of healing.  I wonder if the nutritional cleanse sparked the cellular data inside of me to release whatever they needed to tell me.  I wonder if I’m finally releasing old habits, old thoughts, old feelings that I have been holding onto for a long long time.  I’m not sure.  But a shift is happening and I’m feeling my first sweet babies with me, encouraging me, letting me know that yes indeed it is ok to think of them, to miss them, to love them, even though I have two healthy, gorgeous children sleeping in their rooms right now.  It is ok because it is normal, it is ok because they are part of me.  Not just emotionally a part of my being but physically, they help to comprise my cellular data.  That’s powerful stuff.

I am finding myself inexplicably proud of them – for not even fully entering this world, yet having a voice.  For being part of a community who are changing the way we think, the way we express ourselves, the way we define what is sacred and worthy and beautiful.  It feels like the pregnancy loss community is finally a public community.  One that people don’t ask to be part of, but probably find themselves feeling proud somewhere along the way.  For lack of a better word, it feels really really good and juicy.

I’ve been too wrapped up in the busy of this world to embrace that until now.  Funny how life continues to surprise us.  I’m going to bed tonight feeling incredibly grateful.  Grateful for love. Grateful for purging unspoken emotion, for having a community that supports that, for my babies, people who make amazing things happen.  And yet. Yikes. How I still can miss those first little ones.  Who knew they would actually, scientifically, remain inside of my being?  The mysteries of this world are will never cease to amaze me.

This little guy was given to me at the start of my first pregnancy by a dear friend. She sent it to “the littlest Keating.” I keep this little guy in my nightstand, and sometimes take him out for a quick snuggle. I’m so glad I have him.

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One Response to whew.

  1. Michelle May 27, 2014 at 4:40 pm #

    I absolutely love this! Sitting here teary-eyed and smiling to know my little guy is physically still with me forever :o )

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