Beware. This post is just musings. Thoughts that have been running through my mind off and on lately.
Someone very near and dear is pregnant. Early pregnant. Pre 12 weeks pregnant. When she told me, I wanted to jump for joy and start the celebrations. Privately, I did. I sent her a card with the Hermann Hesse quote There is a miracle in every new beginning. The inside read Congratulations on your little miracle. Because that is what that little nugget is – a little miracle.
Our society tends to keep pregnancy silent until after the 12-14 week mark. Something I totally understand – after my first two pregnancies ended in miscarriage, I opted to keep my third quiet until the second trimester. I had shared the first two, and was afraid to jinx the third. Looking back, however, I’m glad I shared my first pregnancies – I had a team of people who already knew what was going on, who could feel with me. I felt as though we could share something – certainly not the same intensity of loss, but something. I wonder then – would pregnancy loss feel a little less lonely if we were more apt to share early on? Would we be more apt to mourn the baby as a baby, and not just that strange word miscarriage? I’m just wondering. Don’t have an answer here. Or is it more out of privacy – we simply don’t want to share something so close to home?
I wanted my near and dear pregnant mama friend that I was celebrating her baby from the get go. That every single day, every single development was a miracle. With my first two pregnancies, I followed growth calendars, subscribed to the online newsletter that told me “Your baby is now the size of a grape” or whatever. But then, my third pregnancy, my son, was a constant state of anxiety, a constant watching the clock, just waiting to cross the finish line. I wanted it to go as fast as possible. I don’t want her to do that. The truth is, if a baby’s life ends at 8 weeks or 20 weeks, it is devastating, and no matter who we tell or don’t tell, no matter how well known the pregnancy is, we mamas are going to be attached to our baby, we are going to feel the loss intensely. For truly, every baby is a miracle from the start.
In not telling until later, are we holding back from the joy of now? Protecting ourselves? Merely being private and cautious? I wonder what other cultures do – and would love to hear if any of you know!
I’m curious – what was your thought behind telling or not telling early? I’ve done both, and am interested in your choice.