The way our body stores our history will never cease to amaze me. Bear with me while I wander around explaining the background here. I do have a point!
I just got home from a minor surgical procedure – had to remove a small mass called a “lipoma” – a benign mass that is basically just a bunch of extra fat cells that decide to hang out in a random spot. Since mine was on my groin, I had to go into an operating room and do it with some anesthesia. ( I need to share these details to explain my story. )
First of all. The last time I was in an operating room, or the hospital, was a little over four years ago, for my D and C. The time before that was an appendectomy my senior year in high school. Over the past week or so, to prepare for this procedure, I have had to answer numerous questions (often repeatedly) about my medical history. I was asked probably five separate times what previous procedures I’d had that required anesthesia. The only one I could come up with was the appendectomy. Had completely blocked the D and C.
When I walked into the pre-op room today the D and C flashed back. Just like four years ago, my husband was with me, carrying his lap top, ready to distract himself with a little work while I was otherwise engaged. The start of the IV drip, the anesthesiologist explaining what he would be doing. All of a sudden I remembered there have been two previous procedures – but I had blocked the emotionally painful one.
Then. This lipoma mass, this lump that has been in my groin, showed up four and a half years ago. Very soon after that D and C. When recovering from miscarriages and then trying again to conceive, I attributed the lump to hormonal changes. The next diagnosis was a swollen lymph node. Over the past few months, after coming out of the frantic pace life had been for a while, I decided it was time to actually investigate what this lump was. It was growing, and it was for some reason starting to hurt at times. After an ultrasound and some consultations, we decided it was time to remove it.
As the date for the surgery came closer, I couldn’t shake the feeling that removing this mass would symbolically be taking away yet another layer of the events of 4.5 years ago. I could only attribute it to the timing of it – that it had been there for four + years, after my miscarriages, through my next two pregnancies, and during the breastfeeding and early toddler years. It has been a part of this soulful journey.
But here’s where it gets interesting. Up until today, I had heard and read that these masses occur mostly spontaneously, usually a person gets one random one in a lifetime, some people get quite a few. There was never much more of an explanation. But this morning, when my husband asked the surgeon his two questions – Would it grow back? and Why do these appear? – she responded with something fascinating.
We don’t really know why they show up – but often I find that it seems to be related to some sort of trauma.
Boom. There it is.
I felt my body relax into a peace of knowing. It was time to remove the little mass that was holding the trauma of that time.
I’m curious what kind of emotional release might follow. I wonder if I’ll notice anything at all or if it will be something so subtle it won’t register at all. Who knows – and I don’t need to know. Once again, I’m left in awe of the body. In awe of the physical, emotional, and spiritual connections we have, and the way it all continues to be a mystery.
pre-op, mid-yawn, about to remove and release one more piece…